So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
