One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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