I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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