I met the friendliest cop last night
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
