you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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