shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
