Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
