so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
