Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
try to milk me bitch
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
