We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
