Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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