Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
