If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
