I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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