foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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