my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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