have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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