My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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