My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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