If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
