His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
