I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
