I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
