I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
