at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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