i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I stole a fireplace last night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
