after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
