Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think we might need a safe word for this...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
