she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
