If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing