The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
