Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye