Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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