I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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