And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
