i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
