If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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