I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
