the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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