Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
