if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
