Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
