i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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