I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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