All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I use my feet as sexual weapons
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
