Umm I'm too high to move.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
