Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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