The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
