At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
