you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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