Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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