Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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