my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
