he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I woke up under a house in Key West
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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