can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
