At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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