i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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