Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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